I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
