A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We are two peas in an std pod
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
