Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
