Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
