when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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