shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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