I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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