He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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