Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
