you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
