Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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