Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
