That's intense
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
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