My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
