if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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