She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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