hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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