I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
