Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If I die, sorry about rent.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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