Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
