No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
