sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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