Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
