I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
