Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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