Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
