They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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