It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
