It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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