i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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