I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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