the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
