So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
