I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
