I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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