Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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