I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
