Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
