Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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