The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
