Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
