i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
