i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
