i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
