i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
