If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
