I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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