Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
