I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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