not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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