Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
